Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
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Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Lol.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
The sacred texts.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.