Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
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Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
i love meeting boys on tinder
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
man i love columbo
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.