I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
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I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
ibopfufen
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.