I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
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Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
my one true gender
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
#catsoftwitter
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…