I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
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These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”