a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
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Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Livid.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Ooh I do like a good funnel
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.