Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
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When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*