“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
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every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.