This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
You Might Also Like
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard