Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
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“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Nothing.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.