A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
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This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
the council will decide your fate
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.