With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
You Might Also Like
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱