Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
You Might Also Like
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
asking santa clause for nudes
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.