Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
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what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.