Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
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Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
LOL
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider