Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
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The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.