I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
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HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.