I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
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#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Owl Sanctuary
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone