Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
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Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
john wicks are toilet candles
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid