Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
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BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
my proudest tweet
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Holy crap this is wonderful
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
The struggle is real.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*