So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.