I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
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oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.