God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
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wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
What the dentist sees
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time