Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
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Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Not messing around
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Many hands make light work
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
He a real one for that
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
My neck, my back, my…
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light