*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
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I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
dam girl
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
I hate everything
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free