I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
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If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
reviewed some movies recently
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.