My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
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Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Nose
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.