“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
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next question.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
LOL!
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
mood
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.