My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
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“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.