Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
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My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok