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Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
#CoronaOutbreak
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department