2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
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[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours