The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
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“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I am yelling
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home