I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
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Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
What
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.