Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
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“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
beware of dog
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Meanwhile in Canada…
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”