I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
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How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
wow
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.