It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.