gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
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kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG