[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
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ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”