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Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?