Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
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Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.