I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
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*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
fired
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY