I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
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If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Is….Is this an option?
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.