nature’s most graceful animal
You Might Also Like
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.