My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
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Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.