[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
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“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.