Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
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Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”