Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
You Might Also Like
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
can’t bark with your mouth full
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I would move hell over six inches for you
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”