Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
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the three genders
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!