[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
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I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
every college guy’s fridge
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.